My Struggles Make Me Stronger
I remember tears streaming down my face after a terrible night of emotional binge eating. * I would sit on the couch and go through enormous amounts of food. Not many people know the tremendous amounts of food that I was able to stuff my face with but believe me when I tell you that it was a lot. * I was ashamed so I didn't want others to know about it. I didn't know how to stop and I didn't know how it started. I didn't know why it was happening. All I knew is that I was doing it and it had become a part of who I was. * Usually, it would happen at least once a week - immediately after my groceries. As I would grocery shop I would be planning for my binge session. I would be adding to my cart cookies, chips, cookies, candy, ice cream, etc.. I was strategizing what I would eat first. * I could hardly wait to get out of the grocery store. Once home I would put the groceries away and while I was putting away the groceries I would have to open up some cookies or candy and munch while putting the them away. Next, I would find something I would love to watch on Netflix. Neflix and food were comforting - you know what I'm saying, right? And then my emotional binge eating would begin. * I would start small with just a few cookies and then it led to the whole box of cookies and then the whole bag of chips and of course I couldn't forget about the ice cream or other goodies I purchased. Have you ever told yourself you will just have 1 cookie and then end up eating a lot more than just that 1 cookie? * I had it in my mind that I wouldn't leave any for the next day. During the process I felt good. I loved it. It was a safe zone for me. I wasn't dealing with life in that moment. I was alone and able to release from my day. * I have seen myself eat so much that I physically have felt ill afterwards. I would go to bed sick and cry myself to sleep over and over each week. I would wake up the next day still super full. I would not eat for hours and hours...sometimes I would only have my first bite of food at supper time. * I remember feeling sad all day because of all the groceries I ate the night before. I could't afford to eat like that but I did anyway because it made me feel better for that short period of time and for me, it was worth it. * I was addicted to food. Unfortunately, I didn't have as many groceries anymore. Heck, really I didn't pick up groceries. All I did was pick up my binge food for the previous night. So I would have to go back to the grocery store the next day. Many times I would go to a different grocery store because I didn't want the same cashier or other employees recognizing me from the day before. I'm sure you know how it feels to go out of the way to avoid a person or situation. * It was a financial struggle to get food for the week but I had to get something. It wasn't always the healthiest food but it was food. * I had treated my body like sh*t for years and years and I have stretch marks on my belly as a reminder of what I did. I could cover those stretch marks up and be upset and never let them see the light of day. * In fact, in the past that was my attitude towards them. Have you ever stared at your stretch marks and just break down and cry wishing that they weren't there? Over the years, I've grown to love those stretch marks because they are part of who I am today. I wear them proud now! * During my masters I realized I had to stop the addiction and emotional eating. I recognized I had a problem and what I was doing wasn't healthy. I knew I needed a change. * I joined the gym because I knew exercise was part of the healthy lifestyle I was seeking. But the gym life didn't help me emotionally. Sure, it helped get me moving but it didn't help with my nutrition and there was no support from other people. * The true change only really happened when I was introduced to Beachbody. Accountability groups gave me the support I always wanted and needed and coaching brought it to a whole new level. I was introduced to people who were like me but overcame the same or similar struggles and I was also introduced to people who struggle in other areas where I could help them. * Other people were able to help me and I was also able to help them. I was no longer alone. Sure not all of the ideas/methods worked for me but some of them did and it's those that worked that changed my life and changed my relationship with food. * If you are reading this thinking this sounds exactly like you and you know how hard this can be then let me be the one who shows you that you can change too.
