The Decision To Try
The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.
Over 5 years ago, I made the decision to take back my life. I made the decision that I was going to change the way I live and that I would never look back. The picture on the left is me when I was a university student. I had a microwave by my bed and chocolate/chips/candy in my night stand ALL THE TIME. I wasn't ever focused. My mind was always blurry (I sometimes wonder how I managed to pass all my classes...and often wonder how much better I could have done if I would have looked after myself). And when I fell asleep I felt like I could hibernate. I wore men's t-shirts because I was uncomfortable in ladies shirts. I hated shopping because nothing ever fit right and it always led to me coming home crying, curling up in bed and eating. I struggled with emotional binge eating for years but didn't know what to do. I was sad but didn't know how to stop being sad (it's not just a switch we can turn on and off) and didn't know where to begin. I knew what I was doing wasn't healthy but I also didn't care and wished I knew how to care again. I wondered how I could be so young and have gotten myself in such a state. I had a scale I never used (and was honestly too scared to use because I didn't want to ever see the number). I didn't own a mirror in my house because I didn't want to see reality. I was asked several times "when my due date was" when I wasn't even pregnant. I struggled to do simple things that everyone else around me seemed to have no trouble (going up stairs and tying shoelaces...I could do it but I was easily winded). You see, when I was younger I was always active and didn't have trouble keeping up with anyone around me. I kept asking myself "what happened? Where did I go wrong?". I had a decision to make. I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that anymore. I didn't want to live 1 more day like that. I didn't want it to get worse. Instead I wanted it to get better. I got scared. I got angry. I got angry at myself...so angry. I hated myself. I was scared of what the future might bring if I didn't change. So I struggled A LOT. I did my best. I swore up and down that I was going to get out of bed every single more morning and TRY. I told myself that I needed to do this for me and no one else. I had hit ROCK BOTTOM. I started going to the YMCA. I started by simply doing the elliptical machine for 20-30 minutes (if that). Eventually, I decided to start lifting weights. And then I started going to classes. I eventually got into lifting heavy. I was squatting over my body weight and dead lifting even more. And then I fell in love with simple body weight exercises. I found them a lot harder and more challenging. I also saw a lot of progress from it. I mainly did this ALONE. For a while, one of my best friends went to the gym with me and it was then that I realized how much I loved accountability. But eventually she moved and I was left to do everything on my own again. It was miserable to not have someone to turn to when you want advice, support or help. UGH! None of my friends got it. They just didn't understand. Gatherings with friends were hard. There was always delicious treats and everyone always thought it would "be okay" to just have a few. They didn't understand that "a few" would turn into "a few too many" with me. No one understood why I was getting up at 5:30 am to go workout...even in snow storms. Digging out the car sucked on those mornings! BUT I did it still. The people you see at the gym on those mornings are troopers. You know they are in it for life. No one understood the nights I would go to bed early because I was exhausted. I was doing all these healthier habits but I was exhausted...they say you gain energy but I was still tired. And then I found something that changed everything for me. When I first started on my journey I had one goal. I wanted to weigh a certain amount. That number on the scale was everything and anything I thought about. But I had been stuck. No matter what I did nothing seemed to be working. I was changing workouts. I THOUGHT I was eating well. But still no results. I found Beachbody or I actually like to say Beachbody found me. The company provided me with at home workouts, plus complete nutrition plans PLUS a group of girls (and a coach) WHO UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING because they were working towards similar goals and lived the life I was living too. Initially, I thought "hahah at home workouts. These are going to be too easy...enough with the mickey mouse workouts - come on I go to the gym". I was convinced to try them though and after my very first workout I was hooked. THEY WERE CHALLENGING. It wasn't like old school at home workout programs. They were new and improved and also focused on form. There was also a modifier for beginners. So I then looked into the nutritional side of the program. EASY and SIMPLE to follow program based on ALL of the food groups. This wasn't some stupid diet telling me to cut out dairy or carbs (yes of course, if you have an issue with these obviously don't touch them). This was actually a program that focused on the types of foods to eat in the proper portions along with workouts that were designed just like a personal trainer would design a workout for you - legs, arms, cardio, etc.. As a bonus, there was this so called nutrient dense powder. Holy hell, I thought - just another protein powder. But I tried it. Turns out that powder contained more than just protein. It also contained a ton of vitamins and minerals from natural sources with minimal processing. But what I liked about it was that it kept me full for a few hours (unlike the standard protein I had been drinking) and it seemed to give me a bit more energy so I no longer needed those naps and I wasn't nearly as exhausted. A tasty drink that helped curb my afternoon sweet tooth - PERFECT. You see all this didn't just happen over night. After I reached my initial weight loss goal I didn't just throw in the towel and go back to old habits! NO! That's not what this is about. I did a lot of personal development and soul searching and learning to love myself again during this process. I continued and continue to set new goals and standards for myself. I have seen a lot during these years. I've seen people lose weight and put the weight back on again. I've seen people start going to the gym and quit soon after. This was not my first time I tried to get rid of weight. I had tried before and I yo-yo'd dieted as well. I would go to the gym a couple of months and start feeling better and then quit just to gain the weight back. I know a lot of the reasons why that happened to me now. I didn't understand it at the time. I just thought I didn't have enough will power but that wasn't the case at all. If this sounds like you I understand. And I get it. I've been through what you are going through or have gone though. I lost the weight but I gained so much more and I am always willing to help you do the same.
